I am so happy my sobriety birthday has come and gone. Perhaps I can get on with my life and quit having these ridiculous expectations of myself. Just because I am sober for 20 years doesn't mean A. I can't be having a hard time B. that I am a bad person because I don't have a job and C. that this is all my fault, as if there is a fault.
Apparently in my brain, life doesn't just happen, it is all my fault if things don't work out right. Apparently the war is all my fault because I could have stopped it. So is the genocide in Darfur, the Hurricane Katrina response and the shitty economy. Jeez no wonder I would drink to excess.
Thankfully I have some wonderful friends who were really there for me during this time of mental breakdown. Terry and Ginger and Ron, all in their special ways, put out their hands and reminded me of who I am. What special people to be there and listen to my sickness and tell me I was still ok. I hope everyone is blessed with people like them.
Then there is my Riley who just ran up to me yesterday and just jumped into my arms, laid a big sloppy kiss on my and made all my mental anguish disappear. Just like that, all gone. Of course the hockey game last night went a long way to making my brain better.
Cousin Steve took me to a Sharks intersquad game and it was open seating. I dragged him down to the third row so I could see the hits up close. Being that close doesn't give a full view of the ice so we couldn't see the plays setting up nor appreciate the passing. However as a consolation prize, I came home with a Joe Thornton bobblehead, pictures from up close and a Sharks yard sign. My sister called me a bitch when she saw the sign.
So today, 20 years and one day later this is what I know. Nothing.
OK not really. I know how not to drink today. I know that all the sayings from the 12 step programs have made sense on different days and different years. I know that I am blessed with my friends and family. I know how to use a phone and email to reach out to people and say I'm having a hard time. I also know to shut my mouth when they are being kind to me. I finally figured out that I am not the center of the universe. Ok maybe I know that just for this second. I know I will get a job. I know it is ok to yell at my higher power sometimes when I am mad and frustrated. I know I am blessed in this life.