Trying again

I guess I have to be unemployed to get back in to my blog on a regular basis. So here I am unemployed as of last Friday. Bad economic times but I would rather be able to hold my head up as my own person than get scolded every day for stupid, micromanaged things. Not to mention scolded in front of others every day. But my story about a bad fit at a job is only relevant because of the last two weeks when I was working at a drop in site, a needle exchange program.

But it was more than that, it was a place for people to come in off the streets, to have a refuge from the weather, to just be able to sit on a couch and not be hassled. I needed to interact with junkies in need of needles, homeless folks in need of food or or a friendly face and the police needed to keep order in the downtown and serve warrants while keeping the businesses and their customers happy.

When I first went down there, I did it to get away from the other offices. I really didn't like being watched all the time, being micromanaged. I also went down there with a judgement about the people who were coming in there. They were gonna be mostly stinky homeless men, in my mind anyway, who would be loud and bug me so I would hide out in my office and just do my work, Boy was I wrong.

One day when I was down there before I moved in, we had gotten food donations. One guy had cut a piece of cake and because the agency had not been spending any money on supplies down there at the drop in center, there were no plates, forks, napkins, nothing to be able to eat humanely with. So here was this guy cutting a piece of cake and having to eat it off his knife. We didn't give him a way to be able to eat like a person with manners and he was hungry. Our eyes met and I was so ashamed that this place where I worked didn't have enough respect for him to give him a plate and a napkin and a fork.

The next day I put all three items on the shopping list for Costco. When I got those packages I was questioned why I needed these items, were we having a party? No I wanted to treat our clientele with some dignity and respect. They deserved that. They were just hungry. I didn't think it was that complicated. Apparently it was complicated and I got scolded again because the director claimed to not know we were feeding people and she did not like that. Well too bad.
Maybe that's another reason why I don't have a job today.

There were regular programs at the drop in center. One afternoon a week there were women's hours. Not a whole lot of women came by but I was particularly affected by one woman. She was homeless, had a few mental issues could be really stubborn. She was also 73 years old. I kept thinking, why is she homeless at this age? She should be sitting down somewhere enjoying her last years, not wondering where she is going to sleep tonight?

I tried to give her my inhaler once because she was having asthma, nope she didn't want it. I tried other things, no, I don't want that. But finally, she started trusting me. She would come to the back door and ask to come in to sit on the couch. I always let her in and she would visit with me a little. Aske me goofy questions sometimes like why are there wires across the street? I would share my sandwich with her and I gave her $3 once so she could get some coffee. She went out and walked a couple of miles to McDonald's so she could sit down, have some coffee and a hamburger and still have a ham sandwich left over.

In remembering those couple of weeks, I am sad that I had judged thes people because of their conditions. I saw their suffering up close. I'm just so sorry I didn't get to stay longer with them. But at least I learned their names and got to treat them as humans who were suffering and ease that suffering for just a minute or two. I hope Barack helps them more. If he does help, all our boats will rise together.

Maybe Phyllis will get to spend her last years with her luggage unpacked and a place to call home. All our boats will be together, happy and calm, with names, food, plates and forks, jobs and no scolding.

Martin Lyon Leadership Institute

Tomorrow is the launch of the new project I am working on, the Martin Lyon Leadership Institute (MLLI). This came to me after the disaster known as the Prop 8 election when I saw how little our community knew about campaigns. We were reduced to nameless, faceless amoeba with no stories, no families and no way to tell anyone about ourselves. Since I have had more than a little experience with campaigns and considering the shitty way myself and a lot of others were treated by the campaign, I decided to do something about it.

So MLLI was born. It has been painful so far. Many people have expressed support and think it is a great idea. Once a month I will be having speakers come talk about the history of the movement. Tomorrow Jo and I are going to pick up Phyllis Lyon and bring her to San Jose so she can chat for a group of people. I am going to ask questions and people in the audience can ask questions too.

Next week I am doing two workshops, one in Santa Cruz and one in San Jose on how to lobby. this will be just in time for Marriage Equality Day in Sacramento. We will be putting new skills to use right away. Then I will see where this leads. Community driven, hopefully community supported. We'll see.

Gary

Today is Halloween which means it is my birthday. It is also Gary McMillin's birthday. Gary and I were born on the same day and the same year. But Gary died years ago in the horrible years of AIDS. So now on our birthdays, I still buy him a gross birthday card and put it on my altar in front of the picture of him and his partner Chet. I am sitting at my desk with his bottle of ashes, well not all his ashes but a little bit of him is here.

I cried tears of loss and sadness, with the hole in my heart never to be healed. But I promised him before he died that I would be his witness. Gary McMillin lived, loved and was loved. I miss him more today than ever. It is a love that will have forever.

No on Prop 8

I wrote this for the local Dem Latino newsletter.

Familia, family. It is the core of our culture as Latinos. We always have our core of the family, whether it is our grandparents, a favorite aunt or uncle, our many cousins who we have all grown up with and love dearly.

But some of those family members live a little differently. We have a partner of the same gender, so uncle Jorge is always with uncle Dylan. And aunt Maria is always with Aunt Teresa, how come?

There are Latinos who are gay and lesbian, bisexual and transgender.

And their rights to be with and marry the person they love is going to be voted on by the people of California.

As much as any people, we Latinos know discrimination. We have relatives who could not marry in some states because they were different from each other. Some of our parents went to a school with only Mexican kids and couldn’t go into some restaurants, swimming pools, and hotels because we are brown. We carry the scars of discrimination and seek justice for the hurts of our grandparents, great grandparents, all who came before us.

Proposition 8 will make California the first state to change its constitution to single out a groups of people to take away their rights. Prop 8 will not make churches lose their non-profit status, will not force sex education on small children and will not force churches to marry people if they do not believe in marriage for same sex couple.

Proposition 8 will take away the legal rights and coverage for same sex couples. It will instill prejudice against your favorite tios and tias in the state constitution. It will treat some people differently under the law. Many of our elders were placed behind a tortilla curtain and treated differently, less than equal.

This is our chance to show the Latino community understands and does not support for this bill. We want all of our families together. We want all of us to be able to be with the person they love. We want equality for all.

Vote NO on Prop 8.

Hope

Here is a sign that there is hope for the future. My sister's sister-in-law live in North Carolina. Their yard sign was stolen. So this is what the kids did. Took some action, whoohoo. Mary and Vivek you are doing a splendid job, keep up the parenting job and these two will change the world. They already have.

Del's memorial

Last Wednesday was Del Martin's memorial service in San Francisco. What an amazing event. I wish it wasn't because she has left us but it truly honored both Del and Phyllis.

City Hall in San Francisco looks like the state capitol, a large dome, marble everywhere and gilded balconies. The memorial was held in the rotunda and was filled to capacity both on the main floor and every single balcony. The program was just the right amount of sorrow mixed with reverence, stories of Del's decades-long commitment to social justice and the testimony to her love of Phyllis, and the doors she pushed open for so many of us.

I have been laboring with this post for days now. How do I express my joy of having known Del Martin? How do I adequately tell what it was like to sit in their living room and hear stories, discuss the latest political gossip or just to be able to share a laugh. I don't know that I will find the words, ever. But one thing I know for sure, my life is infinitely better because I knew Del Martin.

Remembering Del

This week, Oct 1, will be Del Martin's memorial service. It will take place in the rotunda at San Francisco City Hall, a grand and glorious building and surely a place to honor and celebrate a woman of stature.

But I will step back a bit to the first night I met Phyllis and Del. I was in the process of moving back to California from New Mexico with my dear friend Kathleen Look. We were headed for California so I could start my new job as the Executive Director of Lyon-Martin Women's Health Services. As we were driving through Arizona, I got a call from my future boss that there would be a huge benefit for Lyon-Martin, featuring three stars of the "L Word". Whoa, I was going to get to meet some Hollywood typesmy first day back!

But what was even more important, I was going to get to meet Phyllis and Del. I literally sat at their feet, asking to come visit them at home so I could get to know them better. Phyllis, as usual said "Sure dear, call and you can come over." From that moment on my life was never the same. I had long conversations about them, the history of the movement, the interactions between them and Harvey Milk, their personal histories, interactions with local politicos and even more fun, talking politics.

I loved hearing Phyllis's laugh as she described the long haired Jewish guy from New York who had found his paradise in San Francisco. Phyllis and Del were still wearing skirts and blouses while Harvey never seemed to find a barber. Diametrically opposed in many political ways of the City, Harvey liked to stop traffic with his lines of men holding his signs. Phyllis and Del were a bit quieter, they had just bought their house together which was quite the sin for two lesbian lovers of the day to be so blatant.

Anyway, I had just driven in to California, dropped off my stuff at my mom's house in Santa Clara and kept right on going up to the City. Good lord if we could have bottled all the estrogen in the hall that night, I would never forget another word ever again. I got to meet cast members and sheesh was it packed. Phyllis and Del were there, and I presumed them to be holding court. This was such a bad presumption, I was way off the mark. As I said before, Phyllis was very welcoming. Del,while just as welcoming, was on the quieter side.

I would take them to events every once in a while. Howard Dean was in the City once, using the lgbt community as an ATM. I brought Phyllis and Del. This was just after their first wedding so a lot of people came to say hello and offer congratulations. When the talking started, of course everyone tried to say something to Dean. After a while I had to inject myself and say "Will you people let Phyllis and Del say something?" Boobs, everyone has a good idea but I would rather hear from people who have a good idea with actions to back them up.

Del talked about the need to follow the actions of many who have gone before us. They were both great fans of Eleanor Roosevelt so she talked about Madam Eleanor and the conferences she convened for women and why couldn't the DNC do something like that?

At the end of the evening I walked them to the car. This was four years ago and Del was already showing a lot of frailty. I offered my arm but she only want Phyllis to help her. Phyllis said, "But Del, Gloria is a lot stronger than me." (Moi!?) But, no, she only wanted Phyllis. What a moment to be able to witness. Pure, sweet love and trust.

Their wedding was such a joy, packed, but a real joy. I feel so blessed to have been there. At one point I was standing next to singer Margie Adam who will be singing today at the service. She said "Listen to the beauty of this, all these women's voices." It was a wonderful contrast to all the hate mongers outside.

Phyllis told me later that while they were waiting for the ceremony in Gavin's office, Del was like a little kid. "Is it time yet, is it time yet?" Can you imagine being on the verge of making history, reaching a goal?

So despite all the kerfuffle about who was married first, a couple of 55 years, women in their 80's were the first to cross the line, leading as always. To hear the homophobes I wonder what damage Phyllis and Del have done to marriages all around the country. These two, so in love for all these years, have caused the downfall of western civilization. Wow, they are powerful.

Today we go to say goodbye, to honor a life well lived. When I first went to their house, I started crying. It is as true today as it was that day in May - I owe them for my life. I can be who I am, out and proud because Del Martin and Phyllis Martin were not afraid to be who they were in the 1950's. And they never looked back.

Thank you, my sister, for being such a warrior. I promise to always remember you and tell everyone I ever meet that Del Martin was my sister.

Back on the horse

So much has happened since I took a break from blogging I was trying to figure out how to catch up. So I am going to just post stuff about all these adventures, news, events, and everything from the last few months and try to go in depth on some of these things like I got married on August 30, one of my sheroes, Del Martin, died, what is going on with Proposition 8 here in California which is the campaign I am working on and what ever else enters my little brain while at the key board.

But tonight I had to share the story about Prop 8. I am working/volunteering all day every day on Prop 8. I am at the DeFrank Center in San Jose, giving out yard signs, sending out email blasts, organizing phone banks, all the stuff involved in a campaign except walking door-to-door.

The opposition, led by the Mormon church, was supposed to do this big roll out yesterday putting a million yard signs up all over the state. So yesterday I looked across the street at our neighbor's house because they are Mormons and I know the man of the house has been going to the local meetings. No sign. I was so relieved because I really like the woman of the house and adore their twin girls.

I started asking around and it turns out that God wants us to win. The Mormons ordered from someone who had the signs made in China. So the signs are still stuck in China. Heeheee. I made sure Ms Marinucci knew about it so I am hoping for some bigger coverage in the Chronicle and to embarrass their asses for buying Chinese. That will help their support a lot. The latest polling showed us up by a lot, like 17 points. I hope to be dancing on their yard signs come November 5. Theirs and John McCain's yard signs.

Slip 'n' slide

The world has certainly changed here in California. I have had two experiences with family members which have shown what a difference a court decision makes.

A few weeks ago, we were hanging out at my cousin's house. We had asked him to be in our wedding right after the court decision came down. We had also asked for his daughter to be a flower girl.

So we were chit chatting about nothing in particular and then he confessed to us - he was having a hard time with us getting married. The word was where he got stuck. But he told us that he had spent a lot of time thinking about this. He totally loves us, honors and respects the relationship. So he really was stuck until he realized that he had never had to deal with the discrimination we deal with all the time. He had never been told no, your relationship isn't valuable or respected. He had to get to our side of the bridge, "Walk a mile in our shoes" as he explained to have the light bubl go on and see that we weren't different. In fact our lives were much harder because of the prejudice we faced.

He also felt he needed to put all his cards on the table and tell us how he felt. So he was now very relieved, to be able to be joyously part of the wedding. Bring on the Hawaiian shirts, he was ready for the festivities!

Yesterday, I got to hang out with my cousin's two kids. I had asked for a kid loaner to spend time with kids on a summer day. Jo had bought a slip 'n' slide a few weeks ago so that we would have it for our wedding day for the kids to play on. My dad would never let us have one cus it would ruin the grass. Well $12 later, we are the proud owners of one.

Anyway, while we were out front trying to set up that thing, the kids starting asking questions:

• "Who proposed?"
• "How is the aisle going to be set up?"
• "Is it a priest marrying you?"
• "If it's not a priest, who is it?"
• "What will she say at the end, are you bride and bride?"
• "OH, partners for life, I like that."

By the end of the day, they had slid many times on the lawn, had hot dogs, 50/50 ice cream for the first time and had a new aquarium, a fish for each of them, and as Hazel said, one of the best days of her life.

Me too. The world has changed. It will never be the same.

A new day

I am having an emotional hangover today. So much happiness, so many tears, so much history and just pure joy.

It seems to me though that what happened here in California was that the dam broke. We have been treated badly by our national government for the last eight years. Our needs have not been met, people have become more poor, struggled more, became sicker and hopeless. Now whether it is because we now have had a spirited debate in the Democratic party talking about change and hope or whether love won out this week I don't have the answer. Either way, the humanity of our state that has repressed and mocked for eight years burst through like a magnificent sunrise filled with love, hope and the promise of not just a new day but a new life.

Ministers in Kern county where the county clerk refused to marry people met people in front of the county building to marry members of our community denied their rights by those who want to live in darkness and judgment. Santa Cruz county workers watched the live streaming of the weddings and cried at their desks with joy. One of the Santa Cruz city council members, the lovely Emily Reilly, broke down in tears as she was officiating a marriage at city hall. A staff member of gay Assemblyman John Laird told me how overwhelmed he was with wave after wave of couples. It is one thing to go to a wedding, it was another, he said to see so many couples and to see so much hope for everyone. He was just overwhelmed.

Me, too. I am overwhelmed with hope in our humanity. I feel that relief like when ya stopping hitting your head with a hammer. I feel joy with every breath and liberation in every moment. When Bush and his thugs leave, it won't just be the joke of the Bush countdown clock. It will be a return to our humanity.

A letter to my teacher

Dear Obi Wan-

When we were last hanging out together, you had the great news that marriage had been legalized here. Now it has become real.

Yesterday Jo and I went to Del and Phyllis' wedding at City Hall. Today we got our license. I have been crying non-stop with a break for a nap today. This has been so emotional, I cannot believe it. We went to Santa Cruz today to get our license and the diversity of our community and the sheer joy of this day blended together to create a true moment in time.

We had some friends who were married by two lesbian zen teachers. There were children and nieces and nephews, parents and siblings all joined by the miracle this day brought. One friend of ours said that there was a sense of home in Santa Cruz we had all come home to get married. WE have all been crying, joyous in our relationships and the liberation of this day, this moment in time.

The stories are many. The marriages were being streamed all day at Santa Cruz county into the county building. We heard that the employees were watching the streaming all day and just crying non-stop with us. An acquaintance said it was just overwhelming to see wave after wave after wave of people come in to get married. It is one thing to go to a wedding, it was altogether different to see so many people finally reaching our goal, to be free and equal citizens of California.

All the newspapers are covering this and the homophobes have no message but hate and fear. And old roommate said she felt sorry for those people because their god must be so small. Amen sister.

Today the tears are joy. I will not forget Del and Phyllis, a couple of 80 year old women who were the first and certainly not the last to be married History is made in small steps and lots of tears.

I am so blessed to I have seen this moment in our history.

And this is us getting our marriage license, issued by the state of California, county of Santa Cruz and not one marriage ended today because of this.

snippets

I am sure I will remember other pieces of today's moment in time. Meanwhile I will just share a couple of snippets:

As we were walking up, we followed behind Jewelle Gomez. Encountering some of the more vocal homophobes, she never broke stride and just said "Fuck you" as they tried to get in her face. I, of course, howled.

There was a shit load of media there. When the elevator door opened, I just said "Holy shit!" seeing the sheer numbers. All this for a couple of 80 something women.

What an honor to see such a moment in time. Not a person in the room didn't realize the history being made not to mention the love in the room. Phyllis keeps telling me I don't have to cry but it is so nice to win a battle and share the love at the same time.

Due to my continued feet problems I worse sensible lesbian tennis shoes today. One of my friends made a crack about those shoes after seeing me on TV. Fashion simply has to be pushed to the side sometimes.

Del and Phyllis wore the same outfits as when they were married last time. As I said, fashion must be pushed to the side sometimes. Especially when the priority is sentiment.

the first marriage

Here are some of my pics from inside Del and Phyllis' wedding.

This is what equality feels like

Tomorrow I wake up as an (almost) fully equal citizen of California.

Today at San Jose Pride, the excitement was so palpable. There were many more people interested in our Stonewall booth, asking how to get involved, where can they sign up, give me that Obama sticker and we are getting married on Tuesday. You have no idea what it was like to look in the faces of our sisters and brothers and feel the pure joy, unleashed into the world and our community. We have arrived at the wedding chapel door and are about to be let in.

At one point I was talking with a group of women about my age. We have known little bars in shady parts of town, the only places where we could dance together, use the right pronouns and put our arm around a woman without fear. We had to hide who we were from our families, our co-workers the world. Everyone except our softball team, of course.

But tomorrow is different. Del and Phyllis will make it real. They will get married in San Francisco City Hall, in the Mayor's office, in the daylight with joy and tears (that's my part) starting a new chapter of our history. It is a new day for all of us. I can hardly wait.

Monday bliss

We have been invited to Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon's wedding on Monday. Gavin will be doing the honors in City Hall. They will be the only couple allowed to be married on Monday in City Hall.

I get so overwhelmed with them, I just cry and cry. I called and talked to Phyllis the other day and she said we were invited. Then I just started crying, I am so happy for them. I never thought we would see it happen for them. But both of them told me and they are saying it in the paper that it is not about them but all of us.

Oh no, my godmothers, this is for you. There is not one door I have gone through that you haven't opened in some way. Thank you so much for your strength, vision, and bravery for all of us.

It's all Obama now

So now that Senator Clinton has gracefully bowed out of the Presidential campaign, we can look forward to the general election in November. I am so afraid, though, that we will see how racist this country really is. At least certain generations continue to hold on to that racism that has kept them on top of the heap.

I went to a party today and had a short discussion with some people there. One of the comments was that people will not vote for a black man. I cannot tell you how sad I am that we, as a nation, have not evolved past this statement being allowed to be expressed. I said that the country could not survive a McCain presidency which they of course found absurd. We had survived Bush after all. But McCain, after 8 years of Bush will be the tipping point. And many of us will not survive a government that doesn't believe in helping its citizens. They will give up hope and wither away in the richest country in the world.

So while many of us will no doubt survive, we as a country that prides its self on its freedoms, on its alleged fair playing field, on the opportunities available to all will not elect a man because he is black. And people will do this in the privacy of the voting booth while all the time proclaiming their lack of prejudice. In fact I would be they would say that they have black friends and gay friends and Latino friends hence they could not be prejudiced. Oh I wish I had a dollar for every time I have heard that!

So while the lgbt community struggles away trying to get our equal marriage rights in order some of my own community will, I am sure not vote for a black man. And then we wonder why nothing changes and why people are prejudice?
Evolution is slow and scary and requires many people to give up their prejudices, all of them. Know what is else is even scarier? Having compassion for the pain that those who will vote for McCain because he is white.

We have a date for the nuptials to start

The sound you may be hearing from California is shouts of glee and jubilation, we can start getting married June 17. Or it may be the panties of the fundies getting suck up into a bunch.

State: Gay marriage will begin on June 17 in California


By LISA LEFF - Associated Press Writer
Published 2:04 pm PDT Wednesday, May 28, 2008

California counties can issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples beginning June 17, the state said in a directive to court clerks issued Wednesday.

The state Office of Vital Records said it chose June 17 because the state Supreme Court has until the close of business on June 16 to decide whether to grant a stay of its ruling legalizing gay marriage.

Gay rights advocates and some clerks initially thought couples would be able to wed as early as Saturday, June 14 - exactly 30 days after the court's May 15 ruling. Supreme Court rulings typically become final after 30 days.

But a group opposed to gay marriage has asked the court to stay its decision until after the November election, when voters are likely to face a ballot initiative that would amend the state constitution to define marriage as a union between a man and a woman. Passage of the initiative would overrule the Supreme Court.

Under the court's regular rules of procedure, justices have until the end of the day on June 16 to rule on the stay request, according to the memo sent by e-mail to the state's 58 county clerks. Lawyers involved in the marriage case have said the court could grant itself an extra 60 days to consider the stay.

The guidelines from Mark Horton, director of the California Department of Public Health, also contain copies of new marriage forms that have lines for "Party A" and "Party B" where bride and groom used to be. The gender-neutral nomenclature was developed in consultation with county clerks, according to the memo.

"Effective June 17, 2008, only the enclosed new forms may be issued for the issuance of marriage licenses in California," the directive reads.

The amended forms also contain a change to accommodate same-sex couples who already have registered as domestic partners, a category created in 2003 that bestowed the legal rights and benefits of marriage to gay men and lesbians without the title.

The previous marriage license applications stated that people in domestic partnerships were barred from getting married, a prohibition based on the fact that same-sex couples could not legally wed. The new forms say domestic partners don't have to dissolve their partnerships if they are marrying the same person.

The guidelines were sent out on the same day a poll was published showing that more California voters now support allowing same-sex marriage than oppose it.

The results marked the first time in over three decades of Field Poll surveys that a majority of voters approved of extending marriage to gay couples than have disapproved, said Field Poll director Mark DiCamillo.

"I would say this is a historic turning point or milestone," DiCamillo said.

The poll found that 51 percent of respondents backed legalizing same-sex marriage and 42 percent opposed it, DiCamillo said.

In 2006, when participants were asked, "Do you approve or disapprove of California allowing homosexuals to marry members of their own sex?" 44 percent said they approved and 50 percent objected. In 1977, the first year Field Poll posted the question to voters, 28 percent approved and 59 percent were opposed.

Field Poll surveyed 1,052 registered voters over the phone from May 17-26, in the days after the Supreme Court handed down its historic ruling. A smaller percentage of respondants- 48 percent - said they agreed with the court's decision and 46 percent disagreed.

DiCamillo said the jump in support for same-sex marriage indicates that voters were "influenced in some way by the judgment of the high court."

Voters were similarly divided on the subject of the proposed ballot initiative to put a gay marriage ban in the state constitution. Field Poll asked respondents about it two ways: once referencing the specific measure a group is seeking to get on the November ballot and once talking about a marriage amendment more generally.

Fifty-four percent opposed the amendment when presented with the issue generally, a figure that dropped to 51 percent when respondents were told they might have the chance to vote on a specific measure in November. Support for the amendment stood at 40 percent and 43 percent, respectively.

The Field Poll's findings conflict with a Los Angeles Times/KTLA poll of 705 voters released last week that found 54 percent backed the proposed gay marriage ban and 35 percent opposed it. The Field Poll survey had a margin of sampling error of plus or minus 4 percentage points on the general amendment question, and plus or minus 5 percentage points on the more specific question.

Andrew Pugno, legal adviser for the coalition of religious and social conservative groups sponsoring the measure, said the Times poll is more consistent with his group's internal polling.

"We could acknowledge there has been increasing acceptance of the idea of gay relationships over the last 10 or 20 years, but we think when it comes to marriage there is still a solid majority who want to see it reserved for a man and a woman," Pugno said.

An answer somewhere

I just spent a week in Santa Fe, New Mexico. It wasn't a pleasant week but it wasn't really bad, either. there are a number of people there who I really love, Julie Endresen is at the top of that list. She took care me, to the point of sending me to her therapist because I couldn't stop crying while I was there.

I finally figured it out, why all the tears. I had been suffering there. The altitude, the weather, the sadness so prevalent in New Mexico washed over me and I drowned in all of it. I lived for ten years and made some major contributions to the welfare of the state. Transgender people are completely protected by law now even though I had to fight through the prejudices of the many gay and lesbian people. We were both ostracized and treated as outcasts for sticking to our principles and making sure everyone in our communities arrived together at the finish line.

The suffering I was feeling was for the life I had lost. The "community" which was really an illusion in the high desert, the friendships, the sense of home all evaporated in a very short time. I tried to see an old friend and the conversation turned ugly right away. I decided to skip any attempt at reunion.

When I told my Buddhist teacher about the exchange he said, "Oh she is suffering." At that moment my vision of the world opened up. People are cruel because they are suffering. People say mean things because they are suffering. Friends stop being friends because they suffer.

This is the essence of Buddhism, to end suffering for all sentient beings. But I must start with myself.

How do I end my suffering of ending my portion of my life in New Mexico? How do I end the suffering caused by my physical pain in my feet? How do I end my suffering? I don't have an answer yet but I hope to find a clue soon.

Here come the brides

Things are falling into place! We have almost all the people who will be our witnesses agree to be there for us. Got the flower girls and ring bearer. We are going tomorrow to the county to get a wedding appointment, hopefully, June 20th. A reception will be held the next day at the Municipal Rose Garden, hopefully. Actually it will be a good ol' fashion lesbian potluck. I have asked our supervisor to wed us. Then we can prove to all the bigots who don't even know us that we have not ruined their lives nor their marriages.

But of course the rat bastards have asked for a stay until their constitutional amendment goes up to a vote. See the Chronicle article here. The Alliance Defense Fund must have their panties in a collective knot. Gas is $4 a gallon here, more soldiers die in Iraq every day, this administration has broken everything possible not just in this country but around the world and they are worried about us making the four dogs and two cats legitimate children. OH wait, that goes to their wild eyed tales of beastiality and polygamy. I couldn't help but notice that the real polygamists live in Texas and Arizona. Maybe they will see an opening and settle here in California. The polygamists certainly do not threaten my relationship so do they bother the Alliance Defense Fund?

Heehee, we're gonna be June brides! Bring on the lemon poppy seed cake!

Mary Tillman

I finally got to meet Mary Tillman tonight. I have been reading her book about her son Pat Tillman. It is called "Boots on the Ground by Dusk-My Tribute to pat Tillman" When I was flying home from New Mexico on Monday I was reading it and doing my best not to sob out loud.

I have written about this story before. I still find it disgusting the way the military has treated her and her family. I find the story vile and the behavior of those in charge of our soldiers to nothing less than traitorous and corrupt.

To recap briefly, Pat Tillman was a star football player here in San Jose. He then became a star football player at Arizon State, drafted by the Arizona Cardinals. After 9/11, he and his younger brother Kevin enlisted in the Army and were stationed in Afghanistan where they believed the real war should be fought in response to the events of 9/11. Pat Tillman was shot and killed in Afghanistan. The initial stroy to the family was that he died a hero's death, making up some frigging story about charging up a hill to save his comrades in arms.

Turns out this was another lie told to all of us by the Bush administration. But first they told the Tillman family this fantasy. Several weeks later the rat bastards finally confessed what was known by many in the military, while Pat Tillman died a hero, he was shot by his own men. American troops shot him multiple times.

During the question and answer period tonight, I asked mary Tillman if they had ever determined the distance between the other Americans and Pat. She replied that they have finally figured out that they were about 35 meters apart. So let's see, about the length of a football field. These highly trained soldiers could not make out one of their own.

There are so many horrible facts surrounding this story, it is really important for us as Americans to never let people like this ever rule this country again. Pat Tillman, his family deserved so much better than what they got. A silver star doesn't bring him back. The lies don't bring him back. But voting these disgraceful people out will honor Pat Tillman. We all deserve that.