Friday, November 30, 2007

new thoughts

My wife just sent me this picture of me and Ruby, my tailless cat. I love Ruby with all my heart and she has had a very hard hard life. I found her after she rolled under a van on one of the busiest streets in Santa Fe.

Since then she has broken her leg badly and lost her tail to some neighborhood dogs. But she is still as lovable as ever, she cuddles with me, sits on my chest and purrs and tells me every chance she gets that she is hungry. She greets both of every day in the driveway and shows off how she can roll in the lawn.

So Jo took this picture of Ruby and I cuddling the other night. What I saw was a woman with an extra chin, arms that were flabby and every other little thing I could pick out that was wrong with me, in my eyes. I sent an email back to Jo saying all this and she responded by saying "That's what you see."

What a mind blowing experience. I realized how much I had invested of my life and soul telling myself I wasn't cute, or attractive or worthy of love. I have been crying ever since. What a WASTE!

I had given in to the homophobes who have said all those things, I listened and I believed them. I made their lies real in my head and they had won. I was sobbing thinking about all the people and creatures who loved me unconditionally. How much time have I put into thinking how unattractive I am? A lifetime.

Time for a new outlook on life. One filled with joy and laughter, pain and sorrow but never again about how I look and whether that is good enough. Because I am one unique woman.


The Grateful Gardener said...

When I look at this photo, I see bliss. And there's nothing more beautiful than that.

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